BREAKING NEWS! At a press conference this morning, the general manager of i Love Dogs, Inc. announced the company is changing its name to i Love Monkeys, Inc.
“Dogs are great, I guess, but monkeys are so much smarter and trendier,” i Love Monkeys General Manager Martha Smith said.
According to a survey in the current issue of Monkey Fancy magazine, the primates have become more popular as pets than dogs or cats.
Many U.S. cities have been declaring themselves “monkey friendly.” In Long Beach, Calif., sales at a boutique for primates — called Chimp Chimp Cherie — have skyrocketed in recent months.
“Monkeys can wear these little outfits much better than dogs can,” said boutique owner Marma Sette. “Also, can a dog give you a big hug after you put a darling bow tie on him? I don’t think so.”
A nearby dog park has been converted to a primate park with plenty of trees, vines, free bananas and even a zipline “for monkey use only.” To keep the park clean, monkey parents are provided with catcher’s mitts to collect their pets’ droppings.
“Monkeys have a blast here — you can hear them screeching for miles!” said park developer T.R. Zahn through an interpreter. (What he actually said was, “Me T.R. Zahn. You reporter.”)
i Love Monkeys’ Smith said that one of the first company changes will be new, banana-flavored vitamins and supplements.
“All of us at i Love Monkeys are looking forward to this new adventure,” Smith said.
“And we’d truly like to wish everyone a very happy April Fool’s Day.”